Denmark's the Spot
by JacksonFarrell
Summary: After his star turn in the castaways' production of Hamlet, Gilligan dreams about being a real Broadway actor. Follows "The Producer" (but includes references to other episodes).
1. Overture: What Dreams May Come

Overture: What Dreams May Come

After the Skipper had yelled at him twice and tipped him out of his hammock once, Gilligan finally quit singing "I Ask, To Be or Not To Be?"

Problem was, the darn thing was still running through his head.

And not just the song. Gilligan had been there all through the hectic night when seven castaways had tried to adapt the plot and dialogue of _Hamlet_ into a musical. And while he hadn't been able to contribute much to the actual writing, he'd found big chunks of the play staying in his head. It had a kind of rhythm to it that made it easy to remember. (That had turned out to be a major help later on, when he'd had to learn his part - the biggest part!) There were even a few phrases in there he'd heard before, somewhere or other.

He just couldn't quit thinking about it. Him, playing the star role in _Hamlet_ , with a famous actress as his leading lady! Skinny Mulligan would never believe it!

 _Gee,_ he thought as he drifted off to sleep, _I wonder if I could ever be an actor for real? Me, an actor. . . an actor. . . ._

Closing his eyes, he saw a poster shimmering before him. It came slowly into focus:

SIR LAURENCE O'GILLIGAN

Starring in

HAMLET

By Willy Shakespeare

Also starring

MISS GINGER GRANT

("Belly Dancers of Bali Bali")

as Ophelia

with

THURSTON HOWELL III

MRS. THURSTON HOWELL III

JONAS GRUMBY

and

THE REST

. . . and Sir Laurence O'Gilligan, clad in Hamlet's customary suit of solemn black, stood just outside the stage door with a confident smile. Standing in front of him was a girl in a gingham dress, looking up with shining eyes.

"Oh, Sir Laurence!" she gushed. "It's so thrilling! Opening night! I just know you'll be wonderful!" She stood on tiptoe and kissed his cheek. "Break a leg."

Unconsciously, almost imperceptibly, Sir Laurence swaggered.

"Why, I shall have to, my dear," he said. "After all, you can't make a _Hamlet_ without breaking legs."


	2. Act I, Scene 1: Ghost a-Go-Go

Act I, Scene 1: Ghost a-Go-Go

Author's notes: 1. The casting in Gilligan's dream follows that in "The Producer." However, as there are more parts, each castaway gets one, and some get more than one. If I did this right (big if!), the reader should be able to figure out who's who. 2. I haven't tried to incorporate the songs; this is the non-musical version. 3. Finally, I wasn't able to write the whole thing in iambic pentameter. (Forgive me, Will.) Hope you enjoy it.

 _A guard platform at Elsinore Castle, night._

 _Enter WAC Captain. She marches back and forth._

 _Enter Horatio._

 **Captain:** Horatio! Just in time.

 _Enter Claudius, King of Denmark, wearing a dressing gown and carrying a teddy bear._

 **Claudius:** Captain!

 _Captain stands at attention._

 **Claudius:** Don't you understand the functions of a WAC officer standing guard at the Castle?

 **Horatio:** Give you good evening, your majesty.

 **Claudius:** And who are you?

 **Horatio:** Horatio, good my lord,  
Wittenberg scholar, and your nephew's friend.

 **Claudius:** Oh, yes, the egghead.

 **Horatio:** Have you had a quiet guard?

 **Captain:** Not a mouse stirring.

 **Horatio:** Nay, for the girls, with their oleander potions, hath seen to that.

 **Claudius:** Why, then the stirring of the girls hath ended the stirring of the mice.

 **Captain:** Aye, and other horrible creatures too.

 _Claudius yawns_.

 **Claudius:** Well, carry on, my subjects. Nighty-night.

 _Exit_.

 **Horatio:** Now, what about this ghost you told me of?

 **Captain:** I've seen it now for two nights in a row.  
Oh, it's so creepy! It looks just like the king!

 **Horatio:** The king? Why, he's alive! He was just here!

 **Captain:** Not _that_ king! The _late_ king. You know, the one who just _died_?

 **Horatio:** Oh, of course. But I just know there's a logical answer. A patch of fog? Or perhaps a white sheet?

 **Captain:** Come to think of it, there is a sheet missing from the guardroom.

 **Horatio:** There you are. Find the sheet, and I think you'll have your ghost.

 **Captain:** Sure. A sheet with arms and legs, that looks just like the late king.

 _Enter Ghost._

 **Captain:** Look! There it is now! Speak to it, Horatio!

 **Horatio:** What art thou? By Heaven, I charge thee, speak!

 _Exit Ghost._

 **Captain:** Ohhh, it's gone.

 **Horatio:** I'll have to bring the prince tomorrow night.  
If it's his father, perhaps 'twill speak to him.

 **Captain:** Gee, you really think the prince would want to come all the way up here just to talk to a sheet?

 _Exeunt_.


	3. A Son Who Loves His Mother's Knee

Act I, Scene 2: A Son Who Loves His Mother's Knee

 _Throne room of the castle._

 _Flourish of trumpets. Enter Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Polonius, his son Laertes, and Hamlet, prince of Denmark. Claudius and Gertrude sit. All gather around throne and sing._

 **All:** C-L-A-U-D-I-  
U-S-S, spells Claudius!

 **Claudius:** No, it doesn't.

 **All:** He's the guy who married Hamlet's mother  
After something happened to his brother!  
C-L-A-U-D-I-  
U-S-S, you see,  
Is the man we all hail  
'Cause he never went to Yale!  
Claudius -

 **Claudius:** \- That's me!

Really, Gertrude, I am the king. Is it too much to ask that they spell my name right?

 **Gertrude:** Oh, hush, Claudius, don't go on so. After all, our son wrote it, you know. I'm so proud of him!

 **Claudius:** Hamlet wrote that? I've a good mind to have his poetic license revoked!

 **Gertrude:** Shhh! He's right here!

 **Claudius:** And now, my cousin Hamlet, and my son -  
How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

 **Hamlet:** It's only been two months.

 **Claudius:** Yes, yes, I know, my boy. Two entire months, and you're still wearing black! How d'you expect to go to Palm Beach dressed like that?

 **Hamlet:** I'm not going to Palm Beach, I'm going back to Wittenberg.

 **Claudius:** At least, my son, you're not a Yale man.  
Some consolation there. But your intent  
In going back to school at Wittenberg,  
It is most retrograde to our desire,  
And we beseech you, bend you to remain  
Here, in the cheer and comfort of our eye,  
Our chiefest courtier, cousin, and our son.

 **Hamlet:** What do you mean "son"?

 **Claudius:** Well, err - I mean, after all, I _did_ marry your mother, my boy.

 **Hamlet:** Yeah, you sure didn't waste any time on that! A month after my father died!

 **Claudius:** Thrift, thrift, my boy. The funeral baked meats  
Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables.  
We saved a bundle on the food alone!

 **Gertrude:** Wittenberg? Why, isn't that in Ohio someplace? Eeesh! How positively plebeian!

I pray thee, stay with us, go not to Wittenberg.

 **Hamlet:** I shall in all my best obey you, madam.

 **Gertrude:** Of course.

 **Hamlet:** Well, if I can't go back to school, can I at least have a dog?

 **Gertrude:** A dog? What kind?

 **Hamlet:** Horatio tells me of a newborn pup  
Cross-bred between a collie and Great Dane.

 **Claudius:** A dog! Why, the royal exchequer won't stand the expense!

 **Hamlet:** Huh?

 **Claudius:** We can't afford to feed it, my dear boy.

 **Hamlet:** Let's feed it melons from the royal gardens.  
Then it would be a melon collie-Dane.

 **Claudius:** Erm. . . We'll take it under advisement. Come, away.

 _Exeunt._


	4. Long Dane's Journey into Night

Act I, Scene 3: Long Dane's Journey into Night

 _The guard platform._

 _Enter Hamlet and Horatio._

 **Hamlet:** My uncle's getting drunk. It is a custom  
More honored in the breach than the observance.

 **Horatio:** 'Twas brought here by two sailing-men from Russia -  
One was called Ivan; Igor was his mate -  
Who lost their bearings one foul stormy night  
And drifted in to visit Elsinore  
With copious draughts of vodka in their hold.  
They introduced this nightly drunken revel;  
Your uncle took it up; now that he's king,  
'Tis all done in accord with protocol.

 **Hamlet:** Is that Ivan or Igor Protocol?

 **Horatio:** I know not, prince; all that I know is this:  
Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

 **Hamlet:** What do we care, we don't go anywhere near Denmark!

 **Horatio:** Well. . . actually, prince, we're _in_ Denmark.

 **Hamlet:** Oh. Yeah. ( _Sniffs_.) In that case, maybe I'd better go take a shower.

 _Enter Ghost._

 **Horatio:** No time for that, good Hamlet. Here's the ghost!

 **Hamlet:** He beckons me; I'll follow.

 **Horatio:** By no means!

 **Hamlet:** Unhand me!

( _Addresses_ _Ghost_ ) Whither thou goest, Ghost, I goest.

 _Exit Hamlet and Ghost, Horatio following._


	5. Hamlet, Dear, Your Problem is Clear

Act I, Scene 4: Hamlet, Dear, Your Problem Is Clear

 _The battlements._

 _Enter Ghost, followed by Hamlet._

 **Hamlet:** Speak, I'll go no further.

 **Ghost:** Mark me.

 **Hamlet:** Sorry, I don't have a pencil.

 **Ghost:** I mean pay attention!

 **Hamlet:** Oh. Okay.

 **Ghost:** Knucklehead.  
I am thy father's spirit,  
Doomed for a certain time to walk the night -

 **Hamlet:** Well, you _could_ use the exercise.

 **Ghost:** Stop interrupting!

 **Hamlet:** Sorry.

 **Ghost:** Oh, I'll bet.  
I could a tale unfold whose words would make  
Thy knotted and combined locks to part  
And each particular hair to stand on end  
Like quills upon the fretful porpentine.

 **Hamlet:** You sound like Bertie Wooster.

 **Ghost:** No, I don't!

 **Hamlet:** You do.

 **Ghost:** I don't.

 **Hamlet:** You do.

 **Ghost:** I don't.

 **Hamlet:** O drat!  
He hath as many "don't"s as I have "do"s!

 **Ghost:** If thou didst ever thy dear father love,  
Revenge his foul and most unnatural murder.  
The serpent that did sting thy father's life  
Now wears his crown.

 **Hamlet:** My uncle?

 **Ghost:** No, you nincompoop, the _other_ king of Denmark! Of course it's your uncle!

 **Hamlet:** Well, you don't have to yell.

 **Ghost:** I'm not yelling! I just want you to do something about it.

 **Hamlet:** I will. I promise.

 **Ghost:** Good. Now, don't forget.

 _Exit Ghost._

 **Hamlet:** Wow. What am I gonna do about _this_? Let's see. . . . I know! I'll pretend to be  
crazy! That way, I can keep an eye on the king. And I'll know the king won't  
know that I know that the king killed the king. . . . I think.

 _Exit._


	6. I See a Sheep in the Harbor

Act II, Scene 1: I See a Sheep in the Harbor

 _A room in the castle._

 _Enter Hamlet. He sits._

 **Hamlet:** Time for supplicants. Boy, do I hate supplicants!

 _Enter Shepherdess. She curtsies._

 **Shepherdess:** Prince, I have come to ask a boon of thee.

 **Hamlet:** Okay. Booooooo!

 **Shepherdess:** Not a boo! A boon! A favor!

 **Hamlet:** Oh.

 **Shepherdess:** I ask but that you grant me a small farm, to provide sheep for the royal table.

 **Hamlet:** How many sheep?

 **Shepherdess:** Oh, I thought I'd start with two.

 **Hamlet:** And where will they sleep?

 **Shepherdess:** Where will who sleep?

 **Hamlet:** The sheep.

 **Shepherdess:** Where will the sheep sleep?

 **Hamlet:** Uh huh.

 **Shepherdess:** Gee, I don't know. . . . I guess they'll sleep in the pasture.

 **Hamlet:** Then they'll just be two sheeps that pasture in the night.

 _Shepherdess rolls her eyes._

 **Shepherdess:** Well, my lord, wilt thou grant me a farm?

 **Hamlet:** ( _doing devastating impression of Claudius_ ) Why, the royal exchequer won't _stahhnd_ the expense! Err. . . I'll have to take the matter under advisement.

 **Shepherdess:** ( _with puppy-dog eyes_ ) Aww, c'mon. Please?

 **Hamlet:** Oh, all right. Tell you what - I'll buy you the whole state of Kansas.

 **Shepherdess:** Yay! Oh, prince, you're wonderful!

 _Exit Shepherdess._

 _Enter Ophelia._

 **Hamlet:** Hark! 'Tis the fair Ophelia!

 **Ophelia:** Don't you "fair Ophelia" _me_ , mister! You better not be fooling around with that shepherdess, or it's gonna be Danish pastry for one around here!

 **Hamlet:** Nay, Ophelia, you do wrong me. Yon shepherdess cares only about raising sheep.

 **Ophelia:** Oh, I'll just _bet_. If you ask me, Little Bo-Peep there is more interested in a "ship" than a sheep!

 **Hamlet:** A ship? What would she want with a ship? You can't raise sheep at sea! Where are they gonna graze?

 **Ophelia:** Don't play dumb with me! You and that little Lanolin Turner just better not try pulling the wool over _my_ eyes!

 _Exit Ophelia._

 **Hamlet:** Hark! 'Tis the _un_ fair Ophelia.

 _Exit_.


	7. I Feel Ya, Ophelia

Act II, Scene 2: I Feel Ya, Ophelia

 _A room._

 _Enter Polonius._

 _Enter Ophelia, running._

 **Polonius:** Ophelia, what's wrong?

 **Ophelia:** O my lord, my lord, I have had such a fright!

 **Polonius:** By what?

 **Ophelia:** Well, you remember you told me to play hard-to-get with Hamlet?

 **Polonius:** Well, no, I told you not to return his affections or encourage him in any way.

 **Ophelia:** Well, isn't that the same thing? Anyway, this morning I started a big fight with him over some shepherd girl, and then I stormed out.

 **Polonius:** And then what happened?

 **Ophelia:** My lord, as I was primping in my hut,  
Lord Hamlet, with a mustache drawn on's lip  
Beret upon his head, his shoes untied,  
Holes in his pockets, his knees knocking together -  
He comes before me.

 **Polonius:** Mad for thy love?

 **Ophelia:** I think so.

 **Polonius:** What said he?

 **Ophelia:** He grabbed me by the wrist and gave me flowers,  
Then kissed me up the whole length of my arm.  
Calling me "passion flower" and other names,  
He bade me come with him to the Casbah,  
And shouted he was "mad, mad, mad" for me.

 **Polonius:** What did you do?

 **Ophelia:** I told him that I'd left some water boiling  
And had to go. And so I broke away.  
Wow! Playing hard-to-get sure seems to work!

 **Polonius:** Come, go with me, I will go seek the king.  
This is the very ecstasy of love.

 **Ophelia:** ( _Shrugs_.) Or maybe it's just growing pains.

 _Exeunt_.


	8. Polonius Assault

Act III, Scene 1: Polonius Assault

 _The castle._

 _Enter Claudius and Polonius._

 **Claudius:** Polonius, old man, we've simply got to find out what is causing Hamlet to act so strangely. Now, you say it's his love for Ophelia. How shall we test your theory, hmm?

 **Polonius:** We'll hide behind the curtain while they talk. If I'm wrong, fire me as Lord Chamberlain and send me back to the farm.

 **Claudius:** Well, we'd certainly never have to worry about a lean year. But here they come.

 _They hide._

 _Enter Hamlet and Ophelia._

 **Ophelia:** Hamlet, I've come to return all your love letters.

 **Hamlet:** I never wrote you any love letters!

 **Ophelia:** You did too! Here they are!

 **Hamlet:** Oh, go away, Ophelia. Girls are pests.  
Go, get thee to a nunnery, or something.

 **Ophelia:** Well!

 _Exit Ophelia._

 **Hamlet:** Oh, well - I never did believe in long engagements.

 _Exit Hamlet._

 _Claudius and Polonius emerge._

 **Claudius:** Well? Would you like some overalls as a going-away present?

 **Polonius:** Ep. . . .

 **Claudius:** Look, we'll give it one more try. This time _you_ talk to him; maybe you can get something out of him. After all, you're a statesman, a diplomat; surely you can outwit a mere boy!

 **Polonius:** Very well, my lord.

 _Claudius hides._

 _Enter Hamlet, reading a book._

 **Polonius:** How does my good lord Hamlet?

 **Hamlet:** How does your good lord Hamlet _what_?

 **Polonius:** Do you know me, my lord?

 **Hamlet:** Let's see. . . Fatso Flanagan! No. . . Oliver Hardy? No. . . I got it! Falstaff!

 **Polonius:** Not I, my lord.

 **Hamlet:** Then I wish you were as honest a man.

 **Polonius:** What are you reading, my lord?

 **Hamlet:** Words.

 **Polonius:** Thanks a lot, prince! . . . I mean, what's the matter?

 **Hamlet:** Nothing. Why, is something the matter with you?

 **Polonius:** I mean the matter that you read, my lord.

 **Hamlet:** Oh, it's really good! It's all about this big, fat, tedious old windbag, see, and he goes around spouting cliches all the time. "Neither a borrower nor a lender be." "A job not well done is not a well-done job." "I'm only doing this to build your character." Stuff like that.

 **Polonius:** ( _aside_ ) O, if I could but hit him with my hat!  
( _To Hamlet_ ) How are you and Ophelia getting along, my lord?

 **Hamlet:** I told her to go to a nunnery. Maybe you should get thee to a monastery.

 **Polonius:** Now, see here, prince! Are you trying to make a monkey out of me?

 **Hamlet:** No, a monk!

 **Polonius:** Well, I don't want to be a monk!

 **Hamlet:** But just think - if you were a monk, you could become a great jazz musician!

 **Polonius:** Huh? How's that?

 **Hamlet:** You'd be Polonius Monk!

 **Polonius:** Well, I _was_ a bandmaster in the Royal Danish Navy. But I never played any jazz. I'm not sure I could learn.

 **Hamlet:** Then instead of a monkey, you'd be a monk off-key!

 **Polonius:** I see you're still wearing your mourning clothes, my lord.

 **Hamlet:** Actually, I wear these all day.

 **Polonius:** I mean, you're still wearing black in memory of your royal father.

 **Hamlet:** Yeah, I've been thinking about death quite a lot lately.

And so should you. Know that the grave doth gape -  
For thee, thrice wider than for other men.

 **Polonius:** Now, just a minute!

 **Hamlet:** Maybe even thrice wider than _five_ other men! Let's see, three times five. . . .

 **Polonius:** That won't be necessary; I get the point.

 **Hamlet:** Fifteen!

 _Exit Hamlet._

 _Claudius emerges._

 **Claudius:** Call yourself Lord Chamberlain! Why, you're not even _Neville_ Chamberlain! ( _Pats Polonius on shoulder._ ) Oh, well, old chap, don't feel too badly about it. I think I can get you a sweet deal on a tractor. Better make it one with a reinforced seat.

 _Exeunt._


	9. Pitted Prune Danish Queen

Act III, Scene 2: Pitted Prune Danish Queen

 _The Queen's room_

 _Enter Gertrude. She sits._

 _Enter Hamlet._

 **Hamlet:** Now, mother, what's the matter?

 **Gertrude:** Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

 **Hamlet:** Mother, thou hast my father much offended.

 **Gertrude:** Why, whatever do you mean? I think you've forgotten who I am, young man. I'm your mother. I raised you from the cradle. I taught you to handle the appurtenances at a tea party. Well, if you're going to talk in riddles, I shan't stay.

 **Hamlet:** You go not till I set you up a glass  
Where you may see the inmost part of you.

 _Gertrude picks up a hand mirror._

 **Gertrude:** Oh, nonsense! Why, I can't see a thing!

 **Hamlet:** Oh, no! She's become one of _them_.

 _Backs away._

They don't have any reflections either. . . . She's become one of _them_.

 _Runs out._

 **Gertrude:** Oh, dear, all the silver has come off the back. Well, the king will just have to buy me a new one. . . . I'm sorry, dear, what were you saying? One of whom?

 _Looks around._

Oh, dear, where _has_ that boy gone now?

 _Exit._


	10. Isle Sea You Later

Act III, Scene 3: Isle Sea You Later

 _Royal council chamber, the castle._

 _Enter Claudius._

 **Claudius:** Prince Hamlet is onto me! The boy suspects that I murdered his father! I've got to get rid of him! Well, he has been acting rather strange lately. If I can convince his mother he's gone mad, I can send him somewhere to "recover." Somewhere far away. England, perhaps. Yes, now that I think of it, the King of England owes me a favor or two. And once the boy's there. . . .

 _Makes slashing motion across throat._

 _Enter Gertrude, Polonius, and Ophelia._

 **Claudius:** I've called you all here today to address a rather pressing, you might even say an urgent, matter. I feel we've simply got to do something about Prince Hamlet.

 **Gertrude:** Yes, I suppose so. The poor dear!

 **Ophelia:** Wait'll I tell you what he did to me!

 **Gertrude:** Oh, and I was so looking forward to planning a wedding! And it's the right season, too!

 **Ophelia:** Ha! Let's see how you like having Shari Lewis for a daughter-in-law!

 **Polonius:** I want that nut kept far away from my daughter!

 **Ophelia:** Hey, wait a minute, I never said _that_!

 **Claudius:** Please, please, if you'll all allow me, I think I have the answer. Clearly the prince is a bit disturbed at the moment. Only temporary, I'm sure. He needs a little time to think things over. I propose we send him to England.

 **Gertrude:** England? But why England?

 **Claudius:** 'Twill not be seen in him there. There all the men are as mad as he.

 **Ophelia:** Well, if that's what you want, how about Hollywood?

 **Claudius:** Egad! A member of the Danish royal family in _show business_? Preposterous!

 **Ophelia:** Hmph!

 **Claudius:** No, I'm afraid it's got to be England. He could stay with that fellow, Lord Beasley Watercress or whatever the man calls himself. . . you know the one I mean, chases butterflies all year round. . . rather eccentric chap. By Jove, he'll fit right in, at that!

 **Polonius:** Well, I suppose England's far enough to suit me.

 **Claudius:** Then it's settled. We'll book his passage, and then it's, Sail ho! For Merrie Old England!

 _Exeunt_.


	11. Leave the Gravedigger's Scene

Act IV, Scene 1: Leave the Gravedigger's Scene

 _A graveyard._

 _Enter Hamlet and Horatio._

 **Hamlet:** Look at this letter, Horatio. My uncle wants to send me to England. So I can get some rest, he says. Send _me_ to England, huh? Well, I'm not _going_ to England. What do you think about that?

 **Horatio:** I think it would be very wise not to go.

 _Enter Gravedigger._

 **Hamlet:** And what is thy name, hale and hearty one?

 **Gravedigger:** They do call me "Leave."

 **Hamlet:** Leave the Gravedigger?

 _Horatio walks away._

 **Hamlet:** Hey, where are you going?

 **Horatio:** But you just said - oh, never mind.

 **Hamlet:** And how long hast thou been a gravedigger?

 **Gravedigger:** Ever since I got out of the navy. Why, I started the very day young Prince Hamlet was born - he that is mad.

 **Hamlet:** I heard the king sent him to England.

 **Gravedigger:** Now there's a switch.

 **Hamlet:** How so?

 **Gravedigger:** I do but mean  
That Britain is an island; 'twere his custom  
To leave an island - or at least to try -  
And not to go thereto.

 **Hamlet:** ( _Picks up skull_.) Whose skull is this?

 **Gravedigger:** Why, this was the late king's jester, Old Yorick.

 **Hamlet:** Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio. Old Yorick. And I knew his son - a giant among men.

 **Horatio:** You mean. . . ?

 **Hamlet:** Uh huh. New Yorick, giant.

 **Horatio:** I never. . . met him.

 **Hamlet:** He must have dodged you. ( _Addresses skull_.) Where are your jokes now? My father's a ghost, my mother's a vampire, my uncle's a murderer. . . and here I am in a graveyard, talking to a skull. What is this - Halloween?

 **Horatio:** Well, you're certainly dressed for it.

 **Gravedigger:** Well, gentlemen, I must be about my work. People are dying to get in here, you know!

 **Hamlet:** I give you leave to leave, Leave.

 _Exit Gravedigger._

 _Enter Laertes._

 **Laertes:** O prince! 'Twas on your account that my father lost his job at your uncle's court and had to go to the poorhouse! And my sister has lost her mind because you trifled with her affections! Fit to govern? Nay, not fit to live!

 _Weeps, stamps foot._

Thou'rt terrible! I hate you!

 **Hamlet:** Oh. Shall we fight a duel then?

 **Laertes:** A duel? With what?

 **Hamlet:** How about coconut cream pies at 20 paces?

 **Laertes:** Coconut cream pies? Ha! That's a laugh! Where would you even _get_ a coconut cream pie without me - I mean, without my _sister_ to bake one for you?

 **Hamlet:** Okay, well - spearguns, then?

 **Laertes:** Agreed.

 _Exit Laertes_.

 **Hamlet:** Boy. Maybe I _should_ have gone to England. The people there can't be any crazier than they are here!

 _Exeunt._


	12. Pass the Curare, Please

Act IV, Scene 2: Pass the Curare, Please

 _The castle._

 _Enter Claudius with Hamlet and Laertes._

 **Claudius:** No, no, lads, I tell you I won't have it. Spearguns, indeed! How vulgar - how positively _fishy_ , if I may say so. No, my boys, duelling is a gentleman's game, and there is only one proper instrument with which a gentleman may duel. And that is. . .?

 _Looks at Hamlet._

 **Hamlet:** A five-iron?

 **Claudius:** Good guess, but no. No, I refer to the _epee_. _En garde_! Now, Hamlet, you go down to the arsenal and get kitted out, while I have a word with young Laertes here.

 _Exit Hamlet._

 **Claudius:** Now, Laertes. I know you want revenge. Let me say, my boy, you have my profound sympathy. What I want is a little security. Hamlet's madness endangers the state, and. . . well, as your friends in Paris would say, _l'etat, c'est moi_. Now, I think I can give you a little advantage in the upcoming contest. Have you, by chance, ever heard of curare? No? Well, we'll just put a little of that on the point of your sword. One touch, and it'll be - "goodnight, sweet prince!" Ha!

 **Laertes:** But isn't that cheating?

 **Claudius:** Cheating? You dare accuse a king of cheating?

 **Laertes:** Sorry, my lord.

 **Claudius:** Of _course_ it's cheating! How d'you think a man gets to _be_ king, anyway? But do you want revenge, or don't you ?

 **Laertes:** I do, my lord.

 **Claudius:** Good lad. Oh, and just to make assurance doubly sure, I'll put some of the stuff into a cup of pineapple juice. We'll keep it handy, just in case the dear boy works up a thirst during the match. Gilding the lily, as it were. Now, you run along and practice, and I'll see to the. . . appurtenances, shall we say.

 _Exit Laertes._

 **Claudius:** Ha! The Sorcerer of Scandinavia strikes again! Isn't that right, Teddy?

 _Exit Claudius. And Teddy._


	13. And Then There Were None

Act V, Scene 1: And Then There Were None

 _The castle._

 _Enter Claudius, Gertrude, Hamlet, Laertes, and Horatio. Hamlet and Laertes shake hands._

 **Claudius:** Let the match begin.

 _Hamlet and Laertes draw swords. They fence._

 **Laertes:** A touch, a touch, I do confess't.

 **Claudius:** Hamlet, here's to your health. Give him the cup.

 **Hamlet:** I'll play this bout first. Set it by awhile.

 **Claudius:** ( _aside_ ) Die, already, will you ?

 _Hamlet and Laertes fence._

 **Gertrude:** The queen carouses to thy fortune, Hamlet.

 _She picks up Hamlet's cup._

 **Claudius:** No! Gertrude, don't drink that!

 **Gertrude:** What? Why on earth not?

 **Claudius:** Well, you see, my dear, that's Hamlet's cup.

 **Gertrude:** Oh, pooh! Hamlet won't mind a bit. After all, I'm his mother. Furthermore, I'm also the queen, and I'll drink from any cup I like. So there!

 _She drinks._

 **Gertrude:** Oh, dear. I don't think that's going to agree with me at all.

 _Swordplay continues. Laertes stabs Hamlet. They scuffle, both drop swords, each picks up the wrong one. Hamlet stabs Laertes_.

 _Laertes and Gertrude collapse._

 **Horatio:** I know these symptoms, prince. They've used curare.

 **Laertes:** The swords. . . the cup. . . poisoned.

 **Claudius:** Egad! A plot! I'd better go for help!

 **Laertes:** The king, the king's to blame.

 **Hamlet:** Then venom, to thy work!

 _Stabs Claudius, who falls._

 _Hamlet falls._

 **Hamlet:** I die, Horatio. Live to tell my story! . . . The rest is silence.

 _Enter General, wearing jaunty mustache and ornate uniform._

 **Horatio:** Who art thou?

 **General:** I am. . . Fortinbrodriguez! King of Norway! Conqueror of Poland! Father of My  
Country!

 **Voice, off:** Emperor of Eternal Night, Knight of Eternal Day -

 **General:** You shut up! Nobody ask you! ( _Addressing Horatio_ ) But you may call me. . . El Senor!

 **Horatio:** That's where you are.

 **General:** _Where_ am I?

 **Horatio:** Elsinore.

 **General:** That's me! What you want?

 **Horatio:** That's where you are.

 **General:** That's _who_ I am.

 **Horatio:** No, where.

 **General:** I am not "nowhere," I am right here! That is, wherever "here" is.

 **Horatio:** Elsinore.

 **General:** I'm right here! What you want, already?

 **Horatio:** What?

 **General:** Right! What?

 **Horatio:** Who are you again?

 **General:** Enough! Let's don't start _that_ again. _Si_?

 **Horatio:** I see.

 **General:** _Si_ , it's very icy in this Denmark. But I don't ask you for the weather report. Where am I?

 **Horatio:** I told you where.

 **General:** You told me what?

 **Horatio:** No, I _asked_ you "what?" I told you where.

 **General:** When?

 **Horatio:** Not "when," where.

 **General:** Where what?

 **Horatio:** Where you are.

 **General:** And where is that?

 **Horatio:** Elsinore.

 **General:** No, that's _who_ I am.

 **Horatio:** _Who_ are you?

 **General:** El Senor!

 **Horatio:** What?

 **General:** You deaf or something? Look, let's start over. I have arrived here with my army. I see your king is dead, your queen is dead, your prince is dead. Now I am in control! Just provisionally, of course, until it is safe to hold free, democratic elections.

 **Horatio:** Where's your army?

 **General:** Waiting in the wings. You think I get them all on this little stage? Forget it. Especially with all these dead people lying around.

 **Horatio:** Actually, they're not dead.

 **General:** What you mean? You trying to fool with me?

 **Horatio:** No, no, let me explain. You see, they've all been poisoned with curare. Curare is an extract of -

 **General:** I know what is curare! You think I spend my whole life in South America for nothing? Get to the point!

 **Horatio:** Anyway, in just the right amount, curare can induce a state of paralysis and deep unconsciousness that can make a person appear dead, even though he's very much alive. Claudius and Laertes were trying to kill the prince, but I don't think they got the dosage right. Fortunately, I happen to know a little something about Amazonian poisons. They should all wake up any minute now.

 **General:** Oh, okay. ( _Begins to leave. Stops, turns back_.) Hey, wait a minute! You sure you're not trying to fool me?

 **Horatio:** Not at all. I'll show you .

 _Kneels by Hamlet._

 **Horatio:** Hamlet! Wake up. . . wake up. . . wake up. . . .

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

And Gilligan woke up.

"Wow, Skipper! What a dream I had!'

"What kind of dream, little buddy?"

"I dreamed I was starring in _Hamlet_!"

"Well, Gilligan, I believe you just did star in _Hamlet_ , not too long ago."

"Yeah, Skipper, but this was different! This was on _Broadway_! I was a big star, and. . . and a pretty girl told me to break a leg!"

"Well, Gilligan, that's very nice. But we've got a lot of work to do today, and if you don't get out of that sack and bear a hand, a broken leg is gonna be the _least_ of your problems! Now, get a move on!"

Gilligan sighed. "Oh, well. . . back to reality."


	14. Epilogue: What's Hecuba to Her ?

Epilogue: What's Hecuba to Her, That She Should Weep?

At lunch one day, Ginger said, "You know, I never really thanked you all properly for what you did for me, going to all the trouble of putting on a play just to showcase me. Even though it worked out the way it did, it's really wonderful to have friends like you."

Gilligan said, "Aw, Ginger. We thought H.H. was gonna take us home. We couldn't just leave you here."

Ginger said, "I know. That's what I mean. I'll never forget it."

Just then, before things got too mushy, the radio announcer said:

"And in today's entertainment news, our top story comes from the Great White Way."

"What's the Great White Way?" Gilligan asked.

"Shh!" said Ginger. "He means Broadway."

"That's right - Broadway!" said the radio. "A federal grand jury in New York has indicted super-producer Harold Hecuba on fraud charges. The indictment follows the spectacular crash of Hecuba's announced plans for a musical version of _Hamlet_. The production never got off the drawing board, and some of Hecuba's financial backers complained to the government. So today's headline is: 'Hark, the Harold's Angels Sing - to the Grand Jury!' "

"Well." said the Skipper, "it's good to see that blowhard get his comeuppance."

"I don't feel sorry for him," Mary Ann agreed.

Ginger sniffled.

Then she started to sob. She bent her head and began to weep copiously into her hands, shoulders heaving, tears trickling out from between her fingers.

The Professor went to her side. "Ginger, what's wrong?"

Mary Ann said, "Surely you're not crying for _Harold Hecuba_?"

After a few seconds more, Ginger lifted her head.

She wrinkled her nose and grinned.

"Well!" she said. "I guess _I_ still know how to act! Take _that_ , H.H.!"

Amid their relieved laughter, Gilligan summed it up.

"In truth, Ginger," he said, "you have said a mouthful!"


End file.
